{"id":17651,"date":"2019-06-20T14:56:32","date_gmt":"2019-06-20T14:56:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jewishaction.com\/?p=17651"},"modified":"2022-08-10T19:12:58","modified_gmt":"2022-08-10T19:12:58","slug":"on-being-an-orthodox-never-married-woman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jewishaction.com\/family\/relationships\/on-being-an-orthodox-never-married-woman\/","title":{"rendered":"On Being an Orthodox Never-Married Woman"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

While much has been written about the \u201cShidduch<\/em> Crisis\u201d over the years, one subgroup within the category of singles deserves greater attention: Orthodox women past childbearing age who are emotionally healthy and have not given up the quest to find a mate. These women face a number of unique challenges. As if social isolation and loneliness (many live alone), childlessness and the failure to actualize the dream of being a wife and mother weren\u2019t enough to negotiate, they are often pressured, judged, misunderstood and subtly pathologized by well-meaning relatives, friends and matchmakers, both professional and lay.<\/p>\n

Consider my recent conversation with Surie, the matchmaker assigned to me on an online Jewish dating site (identifying information changed to protect privacy<\/em>):<\/p>\n

Surie:<\/strong> \u201cI just e-mailed you a match but was so excited, I wanted to call. Joseph is 5\u20199\u201d, slim, nice looking, friendly and still has all his hair. Four of his five lovely children are married. His seventeen-year-old lives mostly with his mom and is going to learn in Israel next year.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> \u201cThanks so much for thinking of me. Where does he live?\u201d<\/p>\n

Surie:<\/strong> \u201cKansas. He\u2019s in nursing homes. He was laid off from his job as administrator a few months ago, not his fault; they were downsizing and he had nothing to do with that fraud allegation.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> \u201cFraud allegation?\u201d<\/p>\n

Surie:<\/strong> \u201cDon\u2019t worry about that, it\u2019s nothing. Anyway, he speaks four languages, Hebrew, English, Yiddish and Aramaic. With his gemara<\/em> kop<\/em>, he\u2019ll find a job in no time.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> \u201cIs he divorced or widowed?\u201d<\/p>\n

Surie:<\/strong> \u201cThe divorce is messy and there is a custody battle for the seventeen-year-old who now spends alternate Shabbatot<\/em> with him. He also has grandchildren, bli ayin hara<\/em>, nearby in Colorado and he wants to be close by. Oh, just one thing: you would need to commit up front to relocate, but that\u2019s not a problem, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> \u201cOf course I would move for the right person, but uprooting and moving away from my own support system is daunting. Just saying, if I\u2019m working and he isn\u2019t, why is a move to New York off the table? All of his children are almost out of the house. I appreciate that his grandchildren are nearby, but what about my siblings and nieces and nephews?\u201d<\/p>\n

Surie:<\/strong> \u201cOf course, I understand, but don\u2019t forget how critical a man\u2019s parnassah<\/em> is to his ego! Joseph is also really close to his rav<\/em> and is the shul gabbai<\/em>. You wouldn\u2019t want a ben Torah<\/em> to relinquish that, would you? Look at it this way, Kansas may not be the largest Jewish community, but you could make a great contribution there and learn with the women and be a frum<\/em> role model.<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> \u201cUh, I don\u2019t know . . . \u201d<\/p>\n

Surie:<\/strong> \u201cListen, I have your best interests at heart and I\u2019ll tell you the unvarnished truth. Guys are worried about starting with a never-married woman! They don\u2019t quite buy that you just have not yet met the right one. They wonder what deep-rooted psychological issues have blocked you from settling down. Also, they feel that a never-married woman can\u2019t truly be as giving as one who\u2019s had children. You have no idea what level of self-sacrifice childrearing entails. He\u2019s worried about your priorities. And while we\u2019re on that, sweetie, can I give you some advice? Tell him you are a child advocate, not a lawyer\u2014that can be intimidating.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> (speechless) . . .<\/p>\n

Surie:<\/strong> \u201cI didn\u2019t want to say, but your age also was an issue. He is flooded with suggestions. But I told him you are still slim and look good, so he should put you at the top of the list. He gave in, but wants you to meet him somewhere between New York and Kansas for the first date. Jump on the opportunity! It\u2019s a big trip to New York, you know, and your schedule is more flexible.\u201d<\/p>\n

Me:<\/strong> \u201cUh, but wait, didn\u2019t you say he\u2019s unemployed? I\u2019d have no problem going to Kansas for dates if this were to take off. I don\u2019t expect him to do all the traveling. But his unwillingness to come to New York for a first date is unsettling. You mentioned that he learns; I\u2019m sure he\u2019s familiar with the gemara:<\/em> \u201cIt is the way of a man to pursue a woman and it is not the way of a woman to pursue a man.\u201d1<\/sup><\/p>\n

Surie:<\/strong> \u201cYou have to understand, in our day we all made our compromises and sacrifices. Exactly who do you think is out there at this stage of the game? Are you sure you really want to get married!?\u201d<\/p>\n

The above scenario illustrates just a few of the obstacles faced by Orthodox never-married women past childbearing age. As the years go by and they remain single, they fail to develop what psychologist Naomi Rucker calls a \u201cprimary intimate bond,\u201d2<\/sup> which provides exclusivity, loving mutuality and enhanced capacity for communication. In the absence of this relationship, women experience the \u201cprimary relational void.\u201d3<\/sup> \u201cA viable life partner amplifies the resources brought to bear in any given life situation and provides relief from the harshness of life,\u201d observes New York psychologist Joan Lavender.4<\/sup> \u201cUnremitting singlehood makes an eloquent statement through the painful presence of an absence.\u201d Or, as so pithily stated in Kohelet 4:9, \u201cTovim hashenayim min ha\u2019echad<\/em>\u2014two are better off than one.\u201d<\/p>\n

For single women in their thirties and forties, the combination of the relational void and their ticking biological clock often propels them to settle on a mate even in light of marked doubt about the man\u2019s suitability. To quote one friend the night before her engagement, \u201cYou don\u2019t think I\u2019m making a big mistake, do you? He\u2019s nice, and I can have children, and my parents aren\u2019t getting any younger. They deserve some nachas<\/em>.\u201d For many older singles, however, the biological clock has stopped ticking, rendering an often important incentive to marry\u2014having biological children\u2014moot. Moreover, they often do not need the financial support of a spouse, another major factor many women consider when they decide to marry. The good news\u2014and bad news\u2014is that women are freer to focus primarily on personality and compatibility, which is liberating in a sense, but also limiting.<\/p>\n

As years and decades go by and the elusive dream of becoming a wife and mother remains just that, many older, never-married women begin to ask themselves what went wrong. According to developmental psychologist Bernice Neugarten,5<\/sup> all societies have a \u201csocial clock,\u201d a conscious or unconscious consensus that dictates the age norms by which events should occur. People who do not achieve milestones within this time frame feel that they have failed to live up to their family\u2019s or society\u2019s expectations, and often judge themselves harshly when they see others achieving them on time. As time progresses and singlehood persists, they watch normative lifecycle events pass them by. Attending at this point, not their friends\u2019 weddings but their friends\u2019 children\u2019s<\/em> weddings, the well-meaning \u201cim yirtzeh Hashem<\/em> (God willing) by you\u201d of yesteryear is now replaced with, \u201cOh, I did not realize you are still interested in dating; you just seem so upbeat and together, I assumed by now you made peace with your situation.\u201d<\/p>\n

Never-married Orthodox women may enter therapy in the hope that if they work through their issues, they will find a mate. Yet, all too often, despite growing, evolving, maturing and productively contributing to society, they remain single. In the Orthodox Jewish community, women, no matter how successful and accomplished, are nonetheless viewed as tragic figures if they have not married and had children. Worse, well-meaning relatives, friends and matchmakers often pathologize this subgroup. This can result in \u201cmicro-traumas,\u201d or small, subtle psychic hurts that accumulate to compromise self-worth.6<\/sup><\/p>\n

As years and decades go by and the elusive dream of becoming a wife and mother remains just that, many older, never-married women begin to ask themselves what went wrong.<\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

By the time an older single woman is fortunate enough to finally find a life partner, she faces potential complications that a younger single likely won\u2019t encounter. The available pool of men comprises primarily divorcees and widowers. After being independent for so long, she must adjust to marriage, while also forging relationships with potentially unreceptive stepchildren. She often leapfrogs into step-grandmotherhood, without having experienced motherhood. True not just of a never-married single but also of any woman who marries a man with children from a previous marriage, her husband\u2019s attention is understandably divided between his own children and his new wife. Orphaned children who are still grieving may resent their father marrying. She is expected, for the sake of the children, to move into the original marital home, at least for a while, so as not to further upend the children\u2019s lives.<\/p>\n

Yet, notwithstanding the scenario depicted above, most people are well-meaning and earnestly want to see their older, never-married friend or relative find a shidduch<\/em>. For specific ways one can ameliorate some of the challenges that seem to characterize the process for the older never-married Orthodox Jewish single woman, please see the sidebar below. Finally and most importantly, I must express my heartfelt and deep appreciation to the countless dedicated community members who devote hours of their time to the often thankless and frustrating chesed<\/em> of matchmaking. Most have the best motivations and are upset, as am I, that I have not yet found my bashert<\/em>. I have not given up and I hope they don\u2019t either.<\/p>\n

Notes<\/strong>
\n1. Kiddushin<\/em> 2:2.
\n2. N. Rucker, \u201cCupid\u2019s Relational Misses: Relational Vicissitudes in the Analysis of Single Women,\u201d Psychoanalytic Psychology<\/em> 10, no. 3 (1993): 377-391.
\n3. Ibid.
\n4. J. Lavender, \u201cThe Phenomenology of the Relational Void: Probabilities and Possibilities\u201d in Loneliness and Longing: Conscious and Unconscious Aspects,<\/em> edited by B. Willock, L. C. Bohm and Curtis R. Coleman (London, 2012): 121.
\n5. B.L. Neugarten, \u201cAdaptation and the Life Cycle,\u201d The Counseling Psychologist<\/em> 6 (1976): 16-20.
\n6. M. Crastnopol, Micro-trauma: A Psychoanalytic Understanding of Cumulative Psychic Injury<\/em> (Psychoanalysis in a New Key Book Series) (New York, 2015).<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

HOW YOU CAN HELP<\/strong>
\nDo:<\/strong>
\n– Realize that just because a single woman is successful and happy, that does not mean that she has given up hope of getting married.
\n– Constantly ask everyone you meet for match suggestions.
\n– Ask yourself whether on some level you negatively judge a never-married woman and how it may unwittingly play out in your interactions with her. Are you uncomfortable with how your friends may perceive her? Do you feel resentment when she does not accept suggestions that are actually unsuitable, because you would be so happy and relieved for her to find someone?<\/p>\n

Do Not:<\/strong>
\n– Keep telling the single never-married woman that because of her age, the pool of available men is limited and she should therefore make compromises others would shun.
\n– Tell a single that because she has so much going for her, of course she will get married; being accomplished and psychologically healthy does not necessarily increase the odds of meeting the right one.
\n– Imply that her never-married status reflects underlying psychopathology.
\n– Push her to accept a suggestion; if disinterested, she likely has a good reason.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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