{"id":17971,"date":"2019-09-12T14:53:47","date_gmt":"2019-09-12T14:53:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jewishaction.com\/?p=17971"},"modified":"2024-09-03T19:16:08","modified_gmt":"2024-09-03T19:16:08","slug":"can-we-change","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jewishaction.com\/cover-story\/can-we-change\/","title":{"rendered":"Can We Change?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\"\"<\/a><\/span><\/h3>\n

Is it Possible to Make Positive,<\/span> <\/span>Lasting Changes?<\/span><\/h3>\n

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\u201cThe truth of the matter is that the power of change is the greatest innovation, after the wonder of the creation of Heaven and Earth,\u201d wrote Rabbi Yitzchak <\/span>Hutner<\/span>, who, like many other Jewish thinkers, considered change an act of self-creation (<\/span><\/em>Pachad<\/span> Yitzchak<\/span>, <\/span><\/em>Yom<\/span> Kippur<\/span> 1:8).<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

If\u00a0<\/span><\/em>teshuvah<\/span>\u00a0is an act of self-creation, what makes it so hard and difficult to sustain? So much of life is out of our control; shouldn\u2019t our sense of self be more responsive to our direction and\u00a0aspirations?<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Indeed, in\u00a0<\/span><\/em>Immunity to Change: How to Overcome It and Unlock the Potential in Yourself and Your Organization\u00a0<\/span>(Boston, 2009), authors\u00a0Robert Kegan and Lisa <\/span>Laskow<\/span>\u00a0Lahey cite a study\u00a0showing just how resistant people are to change: \u201cWhen doctors tell heart patients they will die if they don\u2019t change their habits, only one in seven will be able to follow through successfully. Desire and motivation aren\u2019t enough; even when it\u2019s literally a matter of life or death, the ability to change remains maddeningly elusive.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Rabbi <\/span>Tzadok <\/span>HaKohen<\/span> of Lublin knew the turmoil of change. Early in his life, he decided to become a <\/span><\/em>chassid<\/span>. His first published words of Chassidic thought, following his life transformation, relate to change itself:<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cInitially, a person\u2019s entrance into the service of God needs to be with haste . . . and afterwards it can return to being slow, with deliberation and moderation.\u201d<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Change occurs in\u00a0many ways. Sometimes it is fast, sometimes it can be slow. Sometimes it is our present that holds us back. Sometimes it is our future. If we are ever to apprehend the changes we want, the first thing we may\u00a0need to change is our collective conceptions of change\u00a0itself.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

\u2014<\/span>Dovid<\/span> <\/span>Bashevkin<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

By Dina <\/span>Schoonmaker<\/span>, <\/span>as told to Leah Lightman<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Every person can change\u2014but only if he or she wants to. <\/span><\/p>\n

But it is not enough to want to change. One must translate this desire into consistent action and be willing to create new lifelong habits. <\/span><\/p>\n

It is interesting to note that the Hebrew word for consistency is <\/span>\u201c<\/span>ikviyut<\/span><\/em>\u201d<\/span> and for habit, it\u2019s \u201c<\/span>hergel<\/span><\/em>.\u201d<\/span> These words share the same root as <\/span>\u201c<\/span>akev<\/span><\/em>\u201d <\/span>(heel) and <\/span>\u201cregel<\/em>\u201d<\/span> (foot). This teaches an important parallel: In the physical world, one must use his foot and heel in order to move from one point to the next. It is not enough for one to think about or to desire to move \u2014he must actually pick up his foot and do so. Similarly, in the spiritual world, it is not enough to think about or desire change. Rather one must be consistent and develop good habits in order to really move and change.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dramatic, bold steps generally do not work.\u00a0The <\/span>Gemara<\/span> states, \u201c<\/span>Tafasta<\/span> <\/span>maruba<\/span> lo <\/span>tafasta<\/span><\/em>, if you grab too much, <\/span>you will end up with nothing at all.\u201d\u00a0<\/span>Without<\/span> consistent baby-steps sustained over time, there are often no meaningful long-term results.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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During the Yom Kippur War, Rabbi <\/span>Shlomo<\/span> <\/span>Wolbe<\/span>, <\/span>zt\u201dl<\/span><\/em>, <\/span>menahel<\/span><\/em> <\/span>ruchani<\/span><\/em> of <\/span>Yeshivat<\/span> <\/span>Be\u2019er<\/span> Yaakov and the author of <\/span>Alei<\/span><\/em> <\/span>Shur<\/span><\/em>, <\/span>traveled to Israel\u2019s border with Egypt to encourage the Israeli soldiers.\u00a0Air force pilots described to Rabbi <\/span>Wolbe<\/span> that the best way for a pilot to avoid enemy fire was to fly low, which<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>helped the plane remain undetected by enemy radar<\/span>.<\/span> Rabbi <\/span>Wolbe<\/span> saw this as a lesson for life in general. By \u201cflying low,\u201d taking small steps, one can avoid the \u201cenemy radar\u201d\u2014the <\/span>yetzer<\/em> hara<\/em><\/span>, which thrives on derailing an individual from changing and growing.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Indeed, one of the <\/span>yetzer <\/span>hara<\/span>\u2019s<\/span><\/em> tactics is to\u00a0cause us to aim too high when trying to change.\u00a0This often leads to failure, and cynicism results. Instead, one should take mindful, deliberate steps that can be easily integrated into one\u2019s life.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

One powerful method of making changes is taking on a <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em>, a permanent resolution.\u00a0A <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em> may be known to others, but ideally, it remains private. The magnitude of the <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em> matters less than consistency in observing it. I like to say that a personal <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em> should be like an earring hole\u2014the hole itself is tiny but it can be maintained for a lifetime. <\/span><\/p>\n

What if I want to make a bigger change in my life? Rabbi Eliyahu <\/span>Dessler<\/span>, author of <\/span>Michtav<\/span> <\/span>MeEliyahu<\/span><\/em>, recommends a \u201cminimum-maximum\u201d <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em> model: In order to ensure consistency, take on a minimal aspect of the topic.\u00a0At the same time, strive to do much more\u2014but without a <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em>.\u00a0For example, if I want to work on improving my relationship with my father, I will take on a <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em> to call him at least once a week.\u00a0But I will strive to call him every day, without a commitment to that goal. <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a good idea to take on a <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em> that will have a ripple effect. For example, working on having more patience could impact other people as well. Some people choose to involve a trusted mentor\u2014such as a rabbi, parent or other role model\u2014in their decision,<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>but <\/span>Mishlei<\/span> teaches us that \u201c<\/span>lev <\/span>yode\u2019a<\/span> <\/span>marat<\/span> <\/span>nafsho<\/span><\/em>\u201d (14:10)\u2014a person knows himself best.<\/span><\/p>\n

Consider carefully before taking on a <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em>.\u00a0Think of yourself as a scientist researching cures for an ailment.\u00a0The ideal medicine has minimal side effects, is not too strong or too weak, and is easy for the patient to ingest.\u00a0In Elul, we are the scientists in our <\/span>kabbalah<\/span><\/em> laboratories.<\/span><\/p>\n

Dina <\/span>Schoonmaker<\/span> is a teacher, popular lecturer and relationship counselor. A staff member of <\/span>Michlalah<\/span> Jerusalem College for over thirty years, she lives in Jerusalem with her family. Her <\/span><\/em>shiurim<\/span> can be accessed on womensvaad.com<\/a>.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

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\"\"<\/a>By Eli Feldman, as told to Leah Lightman<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

If I didn\u2019t believe in the possibility of making positive, lasting change, I would be out of business. The question is, how does change happen?<\/span><\/p>\n

We often see people who experience some kind of trauma go on to make dramatic life changes. Many survivors of 9\/11, for example, who were overly ambitious workaholics became focused on family and relationships in the aftermath of the tragedy. Similarly, when one is diagnosed with a terminal illness, he or she suddenly recognizes the precious gift of life and begins to cherish each day.<\/span><\/p>\n

Experiencing a traumatic event often breaks down defenses against making changes. The shock of the experience\u2014or perhaps the sudden realization of what really matters in life\u2014allows a person to easily make changes that would have been very difficult, if not nearly impossible, were it not for the trauma. But can we achieve change without undergoing a trauma? <\/span><\/p>\n

The process of change is, indeed, a process. An individual might want to become a happier, more content person. But he might feel stuck and say, \u201cI\u2019m just not a happy person. I\u2019m not that kind of person.\u201d And in a sense, he could be right. This is because every person comes into this world hardwired a certain way. There are people, for instance, <\/span>who are naturally predisposed to be happy. When such a person experiences a tragedy, he can bounce back more easily than others. Other people can be hardwired to be more pessimistic. Yet if someone wants to work on becoming more content, it is certainly possible to change. He can engage in mindfulness, yoga or meditation. Such behaviors can influence his moods significantly. One should never get stuck in the defeatist thinking pattern: \u201cI\u2019m just not that kind of person <\/span>. . . .<\/span>\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Furthermore, we are all creatures of habit. Our brains conserve energy by having many processes become habituated, so that as many behaviors as possible can be performed without having to think about them. This frees up the brain for higher-level thinking and planning. When we go shopping, for example, and walk up and down the aisles, our brains do not process or \u201csee\u201d every product in every aisle. It would be too overwhelming to take in so much information, and we don\u2019t need to. The brain knows what you\u2019re in the habit of buying, and those are the products you tend to see. <\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s assume you want to make a dramatic change in your shopping routine and only buy healthy foods. Because the process is no longer habitual, shopping will take much longer and be much more of a chore until you get used to your new routine. You have to locate the organic fruits and vegetables, the protein bars, et cetera. Eventually, the brain will <\/span>adjust<\/span> and you will develop new shopping habits that will make the experience less effortful. <\/span><\/p>\n

We can utilize the same mechanism to develop good habits. All we need to do is to repeat the desired behavior often enough and for a certain period of time. Research shows that habits are formed in as little as thirty days. Often, once the new habit has set in, the changed person has a hard time believing he ever did things any other way. Of course, there is a danger to living our lives on autopilot, and it is also easy to fall into bad habits if one isn\u2019t mindful. But you can use the power of habit to make great improvements in your life\u2014you can get into the habit of complimenting your spouse a few times a day, of hugging your children often, of spontaneously expressing your gratitude to God. Developing good new habits can make a dramatic difference in your life.<\/span><\/p>\n

Eli Feldman, LMHC, is a counselor and a mental health provider in Miami, Florida.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

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\"\"<\/a>By Dena <\/span>Gorkin<\/span>, as told to <\/span>Bayla<\/span> Sheva Brenner<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

In nearly all cases, when a child begins to exhibit negative behaviors, it is a result of emotional pain. Some children experienced abuse or bullying; other children simply never connected socially and may feel like outsiders. Some children grow up in extremely unhappy homes; others have experienced the effects of loss, strife or divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have a philosophy about how positive change happens: it\u2019s a process of \u201cHealthy, Happy, <\/span>Frum<\/span><\/em>.\u201d It is impossible to reverse the order. Parents sometimes tell me, \u201cI\u2019m sending my daughter to your school. Please make sure she starts wearing longer skirts and that she improves her Shabbos observance.\u201d But it doesn\u2019t work that way. You don\u2019t make a girl healthy and happy by making her <\/span>frum<\/span><\/em>; she becomes <\/span>frum<\/span><\/em> because she is healthy and happy.<\/span><\/p>\n

If a child is in pain, she\u2019s not healthy. We first need to work on making her healthy. Once she\u2019s healthy, her mind and heart will be open. <\/span><\/p>\n

Changing oneself is scary. It means facing the unknown, and some teens don\u2019t feel they have the tools to deal with that. It\u2019s certainly easier and more comfortable to stay where they are, even if they are stuck in negative or harmful patterns. <\/span><\/p>\n

Peer pressure is also a significant impediment to change. A teenager who is inspired to improve her school attendance or her observance of <\/span>Yiddishkeit<\/span><\/em> often comes up against strong opposition from friends who are not ready to take that leap. Criticism from friends can cause a teenager to lose her courage, as the implicit threat of being friendless is daunting.<\/span><\/p>\n

What motivates a teenager to make positive, lasting changes is someone looking into her eyes and saying, with no <\/span>ulterior motive, \u201cYou matter! The things you do that help you grow are important to me, and the things you do that hurt you, hurt me.\u201d We convey that a student\u2019s previous mistakes are not important, because she has the power to change\u2014and we will support her in that process.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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I have a philosophy about how positive change happens: it\u2019s a process of \u201cHealthy, Happy, <\/span>Frum<\/span>.\u201d It is impossible to reverse the order.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I\u2019ve rarely seen a girl come to our school and not change for the better, simply because we accentuate the positive in each student, building her belief in her own abilities and helping her to understand that she has an important mission in the world. <\/span><\/p>\n

There is no greater motivator to succeed than the taste of success. We discuss with each student what kind of life she envisions for herself. We show her that there are many steps towards attaining her dreams and that the ones right in front of her are completely attainable. We break down goals and tasks into pieces so small that success is achievable.<\/span><\/p>\n

Change is difficult, but adolescence is a ripe time for it. A teenager\u2019s short attention span can actually be an asset in this realm.\u00a0Her brain still flits easily from one interest to another, one task to another, one idea to another. As we get older and gain more life experience, our pre-frontal cortex\u2014the logic and impulse-control center of the brain\u2014becomes more developed, and we take fewer risks. This is a positive development, but it also means we are less likely to take on a new challenge or embrace a new opportunity, and that may stand in the way of growth and change. When faced with something new, adults weigh their options: What\u2019s the worst-case scenario if I throw caution to the wind? What can I potentially achieve if I take this risk? Sometimes, acting like a teenager and just \u201cgoing for it\u201d can produce incredible outcomes. <\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes, it can even result in launching a school!<\/span><\/p>\n

Bayla<\/span> Sheva Brenner is an award-winning writer and longtime contributor to <\/span>Jewish Action.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Dena <\/span>Gorkin<\/span> is the founder and principal of <\/span>Bnos<\/span> <\/span>Chomesh<\/span> Academy, a high school for girls in the Crown Heights neighborhood of Brooklyn, New York, that caters to teenagers who seek a small, nurturing school environment.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

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\"\"<\/a>By <\/span>Tziporah<\/span> Heller, as told to <\/span>Bayla<\/span> Sheva Brenner<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Changing is difficult, and making a lasting change is even more difficult. Some people are more easily frightened by the challenges of changing than others, especially those who have experienced failure in the past.<\/span><\/p>\n

People become discouraged by two elements of change. One is the inevitable ups and downs; the other is that once they reach their goal, they realize they have to continue working to stay there. In order to sustain the good feeling of growth and purposefulness that brought you to want change to begin with, you have to keep moving forward. In order to do that, you need a support system in place. You have to have friends, and you have to have a mentor. <\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a misconception that change requires changing your identity. In fact, when you think you can become somebody else, you are guaranteeing failure. You have to take your emotional, intellectual, physical and spiritual self with you\u2014take your talents and abilities and include them in the process.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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I know a man who attended a yeshivah for <\/span>ba\u2019alei<\/span><\/em> <\/span>teshuvah<\/span><\/em> who came from a very prestigious background. His father was the dean of a prominent university. Subconsciously, he was in competition with his father; he needed to be the star student, and he in fact became the star student in the yeshivah. But then he realized that being the star of a <\/span>ba\u2019al<\/span><\/em> <\/span>teshuvah<\/span><\/em> yeshivah doesn\u2019t place one at the top of the Torah world. He moved on to a mainstream yeshivah, but it was <\/span>not the highest level yeshivah, so it wasn\u2019t good enough for him. He realized that it would take years for him to ever make it in the best <\/span>yeshivot<\/span><\/em>, so he left the Torah world. Ultimately, his path led him to convert to Christianity! None of the things that could have made the changes last\u2014a willingness to be in the process, acceptance of mentorship and establishing a circle of support\u2014were in the picture for him. <\/span><\/p>\n

There are two kinds of changes\u2014changes in actions and changes in <\/span>middot<\/span><\/em>. Just changing one\u2019s deeds without dealing with the <\/span>middot<\/span><\/em> <\/span>that motivated them usually leads to failure. One who is constantly speaking <\/span>lashon<\/em> hara<\/em><\/span>, for example, may decide to stop gossiping for half an hour a day. Although that\u2019s certainly better than allowing oneself to gossip all the time, unless one addresses the underlying issue behind the need to gossip, no change will last. <\/span><\/p>\n

Hashem gives each of us an internal palette of possibilities and the appropriate life circumstances to lead us forward.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I had a friend whose insecurities were the result of her difficult childhood. When she was eight years old, she woke up to find a note from her parents that they had decided to travel the world, leaving her with her nanny\u2014no phone number, no address, no way of contacting them. The incident destroyed her self-esteem. <\/span><\/p>\n

As an adult, the empty place inside her eventually led her to spirituality and to religious observance, but her social life still suffered. Her emotional demands were impossible to fill. At one point, she came to my house at eight in the morning and said, \u201cWouldn\u2019t it be nice to have a coffee now?\u201d I was in my housecoat trying to get my kids off to school, so I told her it wasn\u2019t the best time. She called me a Nazi! She expected me to apologize for not inviting her in for coffee. I could not tolerate the relationship anymore, and I had nothing to do with her for a long time. <\/span><\/p>\n

Years later, during Elul, I realized I hadn\u2019t been empathetic enough. I wrote a letter to her explaining why I couldn\u2019t be her friend, but she had <\/span>moved<\/span> and I didn\u2019t know her new address. Hashem arranged it that I saw her on the bus one day. I had the letter with <\/span>me<\/span> and I handed it to her. She later called to invite me to her home. <\/span><\/p>\n

I thought I was in for more of the same, that I had better just keep quiet and try to be compassionate. But she was nice and easy-going. She had no intention of trying to hold me there through emotional force. Toward the end of the visit, she said, \u201cYou might have noticed that things have changed for me.\u201d She showed me a file cabinet she had filled with gratitude journals. The more she could see what Hashem did for her on a daily basis, the more beloved she felt. It took years of work, but she was able to fill the empty space inside her. It changed her. <\/span><\/p>\n

We all want to be happier, more successful and more connected. We all want to have more purposeful lives. What brings a person to want to change is seeing that changing will be personally beneficial. Hashem gives each of us an internal palette of possibilities and the appropriate life circumstances to lead us forward.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rebbetzin<\/span> <\/span>Tziporah<\/span> Heller is a senior faculty member at Neve College for Women and principal of <\/span>Bnos<\/span> <\/span>Avigayil<\/span> seminary.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

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\"\"<\/a>By Moshe <\/span>Yachnes<\/span>, as told to <\/span>Bayla<\/span> Sheva Brenner<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

No one is born an addict (unless his or her mother took drugs while pregnant). People turn to drugs to escape pain, <\/span>to distract themselves from a deep-rooted unhappiness and negative self-perception.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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I\u2019ve worked with those struggling with addiction for eighteen years. The majority of addicts seem to have a shame-based identity. They do not\u00a0view themselves as successful. They perceive themselves as incapable, unlovable and even worthless. Drugs offer an escape from these painful emotions. <\/span><\/p>\n

I see people making courageous changes every day . . . It\u2019s extremely humbling and empowering to be a part of this process.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Long-term recovery is all about change. It\u2019s about changing one\u2019s core identity. We\u2019ve set up a program to provide those struggling with addiction with opportunities to experience this change. By developing autonomy and connecting in an honest way with others, we help them rewrite their story so they can begin to perceive themselves differently. <\/span>Through individual and group therapy combined with a comprehensive vocational program, as well as providing them with a taste of success, those struggling with addiction begin to view themselves as independent, successful and capable members of society. <\/span><\/p>\n

I see people making courageous changes every day.\u00a0I have witnessed the power of the human spirit\u2014the resilience of these individuals. It\u2019s extremely humbling\u00a0and empowering to be a part of this process.<\/span> <\/span><\/p>\n

The <\/span>Meiri<\/span>, a thirteenth-century commentator on <\/span>Pirkei<\/span><\/em> <\/span>Avot<\/span><\/em>, explains that the word <\/span>chet<\/span><\/em> is mistranslated as \u201csin.\u201d The root word is derived from the phrase, <\/span>\u201c<\/span>Lehachti<\/span> et <\/span>hamatarah<\/span><\/em>,\u201d<\/span> which is translated as \u201cmissing the target.\u201d Archery is a game of target practice; when one\u2019s arrow misses the <\/span>target,<\/span> he simply tries again. The <\/span>teshuvah<\/span><\/em> process is an understanding that one missed the intended target and simply needs to try again. This is consistent with the work we do in recovery\u2014one may fall and make a mistake, but he can always get back on track. Holding on to hope enables one to change. A person can rewrite his own story and change his very identity. We see this all the time. And this is what <\/span>teshuvah<\/span><\/em> <\/span>is all about.<\/span><\/p>\n

Moshe <\/span>Yachnes<\/span> is the founder and director of Onward Living, a drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility in Boca Raton, Florida.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

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By Rabbi Moshe <\/span>Tzvi<\/span> Weinberg, as told to <\/span>Dovid<\/span> <\/span>Bashevkin<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I grew up in a Modern Orthodox home; today I have a beard and <\/span>peyos<\/span><\/em>. Yet I don\u2019t see myself as someone who had a moment of transformation. My life is an evolution, not a revolution. Yes, I dress in traditional [<\/span>Yeshivish<\/span><\/em>] garb\u2014white shirt and black pants\u2014but I haven\u2019t abandoned all of my interests in music and the arts, et cetera.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes when one changes, he believes he needs to entirely escape from an older version of himself. But one can\u2019t pretend his past never happened. Changing oneself is not like changing a <\/span>knee cap<\/span>\u2014taking out the old, putting in the new. It\u2019s not a surgical procedure. You\u2019re adding a new mindset, a new way of thinking, to be incorporated alongside how you used to live. You shouldn\u2019t be asking \u201cHow do I disconnect the old self and plug in the new self?\u201d It just doesn\u2019t work like that. <\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve grown a lot in my observance, my learning and my appearance as a Jew, but the baseline of who I am hasn\u2019t shifted. One has to have confidence as well as a willingness to incorporate one\u2019s new identity along with his old one. <\/span><\/p>\n

Change is also not something that happens instantaneously. I was very slow to evolve into the person I am today in terms of my observance level and my learning.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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We like things to happen quickly, but change is a gradual process; it takes a long time.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I have pulled aside quite a few students who have taken on stringencies and told them, \u201cThis is not appropriate for you based on where you are in your growth.\u201d While you don\u2019t want to crush someone who\u2019s trying to grow, you want him to understand that radical and sudden change is sometimes confusing. If one of my Modern Orthodox students says, for example, \u201c<\/span>Rebbi<\/span>, I\u2019m thinking of growing <\/span>peyos<\/span><\/em>,\u201d I ask, \u201cWhat are your parents going to say?\u201d They often respond with, \u201cMy mother won\u2019t like it.\u201d I tell them, \u201cOkay, so don\u2019t start with that now. You have your whole life ahead of you. When you marry and have your own family, you can make that change as some type of external <\/span>expression of who you are. But wait until then.\u201d Young people can often be shortsighted. They often think, \u201cI have to do this now.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

We\u2019re an impatient society; we like quick results. One of the major impediments to making change is the fact that we like things to happen quickly, but change is a gradual process; it takes a long time. <\/span><\/p>\n

Since we can change so many things in our lives superficially, we mistakenly believe we can change our character quickly as well. Rabbi <\/span>Yisrael<\/span> <\/span>Salanter<\/span> once said it\u2019s easier to learn all of Shas than to change <\/span>one character<\/span> trait. Similarly, the <\/span>Chiddushei<\/span> <\/span>haRim<\/span> said it takes thirteen years to work on the <\/span>middah<\/span><\/em> of <\/span>simchah<\/span><\/em>.<\/span><\/p>\n

There are other impediments to change as well. Not knowing how to cope with a setback is a huge obstacle. Often a young man will come into my office and say, with a distraught look in his eyes, \u201cI didn\u2019t go to night <\/span>seder<\/span><\/em> last night. I promised my <\/span>rebbe<\/span><\/em> in Eretz <\/span>Yisrael<\/span> that I\u2019m never going to miss night <\/span>seder<\/span><\/em> and I did. Then I missed the minyan I was supposed to go to.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

He\u2019s distressed over the setback. He relabeled himself a \u201cnight <\/span>seder<\/span><\/em>-minyan-going\u201d type of guy, and now all of a <\/span>sudden<\/span> he sees himself slipping back to his old ways. I say, \u201cHold on. Catch yourself there for a second. You had a major exam in biology. You stayed up all night studying. Then you overslept and went to a later minyan. You promised you would never go to that late minyan, and you had to go there in the end. That\u2019s your big crime? You\u2019re still a \u2018night <\/span>seder<\/span><\/em>, minyan-going\u2019 type of guy. One setback is just that\u2014one setback. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere are going to be times in life when you\u2019re going to want to catch a certain minyan and it\u2019s not going to happen for whatever reason. That\u2019s a terrible time to relabel yourself as someone who doesn\u2019t care about minyan, who hasn\u2019t changed in his appreciation of <\/span>davening<\/span><\/em>. Because you messed up one time that doesn\u2019t mean you don\u2019t care about minyan anymore.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s a very dangerous trap to fall into. It almost becomes an excuse for someone to say, \u201cSee, I can\u2019t really change. I\u2019m not a serious <\/span>beis<\/span> midrash<\/span><\/em> guy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A person can rewrite his own story and change his very <\/span>identity. We<\/span> see this all time. And this is what <\/span>teshuvah<\/span><\/em> is all about.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Another impediment is that people sometimes feel that they can\u2019t be inspired to change once they hit a certain age, whether it\u2019s thirty-five or forty-five or seventy. But change can happen at any age. It just requires humility. One needs to be able to look at oneself and say: \u201cThere are things that could be better in my life.\u201d Then he needs to embark on a path of growth, without necessarily having an end goal. He needs to be willing to restart the engine, to start learning again and attend a <\/span>shiur<\/span><\/em>, even though he might not have done that for quite some time. <\/span><\/p>\n

Making change also requires a certain amount of courage, especially when one is older and more established. At one point I was involved with a certain family that was growing religiously\u2014the wife began covering her hair, and in general, there was a noticeable change in the family\u2019s commitment to <\/span>halachah<\/span>. The family soon became aware that people were talking about them. And this is not unusual\u2014some people are scared to change because they think, \u201cWhat are people going to say? What is that the norm in my community?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

But people need to get beyond that, to think in terms of <\/span>hischadshus<\/span><\/em>, of renewal.<\/span><\/p>\n

Also, it\u2019s important to remember that change does not have to be dramatic. It should start out as \u201cdo a little more,\u201d not as \u201cchange your entire life.\u201d It\u2019s about being able to <\/span>daven<\/span><\/em> with more focus, having a greater commitment to learning Torah and becoming a person who wants to do a little more today than he did yesterday.<\/span><\/p>\n

Rabbi Dovid Bashevkin, a member of the\u00a0<\/em>Jewish Action\u00a0Editorial Committee, is the founder of 18Forty, a media site discussing big Jewish ideas.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Rabbi Moshe <\/span>Tzvi<\/span> Weinberg teaches in Yeshiva University\u2019s Irving I. Stone Beit Midrash Program, where he also serves as <\/span><\/em>mashgiach <\/span>ruchani<\/span>.<\/span> A YU graduate, Rabbi Weinberg received <\/span><\/em>semichah<\/span> from Rabbi <\/span>Zalman <\/span>Nechemia<\/span> Goldberg of Jerusalem.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n
\n
\n

\"\"<\/a>By Rabbi Eli Glaser, as told to Steve Lipman <\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I started gaining weight in high school. Later, as a <\/span>kiruv<\/span><\/em> rabbi for <\/span>Aish<\/span> <\/span>HaTorah<\/span> for twelve years, I weighed as much as 300 pounds. I tried diets and weight-loss plans, lost twenty, thirty, fifty pounds at a time, then gained it back; it was a roller coaster.<\/span><\/p>\n

One day, I was in a department store dressing room, trying on a new pair of pants; my old pair, waist size forty-two, didn\u2019t fit. I realized I had to change.<\/span><\/p>\n

A friend who had had a similar problem told me I needed to change my relationship with food, not just try and lose weight. I knew it intellectually, but it was hard to hear. I was a compulsive overeater, using food as an emotional coping mechanism as well as for sheer indulgence.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was not alone; more than 70 percent of Americans are either overweight or obese.<\/span><\/p>\n

It was very humbling; it was uncomfortable to change\u2014but it was more uncomfortable to remain 300 pounds. Being morbidly obese interfered with my <\/span>kiruv<\/span><\/em> work, where I was teaching people about the structure and guidelines of <\/span>mitzvos<\/span><\/em> but they would ask me, \u201cYou have such discipline in your life, keeping kosher and Shabbos\u2014why can\u2019t you get a handle on your hamburgers?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I started committing to a daily food plan with clear goals and boundaries. In the first year I lost 100 <\/span>pounds, and<\/span> got down to 190. Since then I\u2019ve lost another twenty pounds. I\u2019ve kept it off for seventeen years.<\/span><\/p>\n

I started distance running and completed several marathons. I became a certified <\/span>nutritionist, and<\/span> founded <\/span>Soveya<\/span>. I provide weight-loss coaching, and one of the unique aspects of our approach is that we incorporate Torah principles for healthy eating and self-growth. It\u2019s very much like the <\/span>teshuvah<\/span><\/em> process in that we focus on long-term change and re-prioritizing our life choices as opposed to just temporary crash dieting. <\/span><\/p>\n

One of my titles is CCO\u2014Chief Change Officer. I teach people how to develop and maintain a healthy and consistent relationship with food\u2014a completely different perspective than just trying to simply lose as much weight as quickly as possible.<\/span><\/p>\n

People make positive changes when they\u2019ve gained clarity as to the consequences of their actions, or they internalize the genuine benefits of real and lasting change, or both. For me, making such a dramatic change came <\/span>down to two words: honesty and maturity. I had to be willing to be unconditionally honest about my relationship with food, and<\/span> realize how much my current eating habits were affecting me. And I had to be willing to engage in self-maturation and grow out of what I call the \u201csix-year-old syndrome\u201d\u2014just because I was in the mood to eat something didn\u2019t mean that was the best choice for me to make. I had to learn to process my feelings around food and not feel compelled to act on them.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

In my experience, the people who have the most difficulty changing are those who find it too uncomfortable to engage in unconditional honesty, and who lack the humility to acknowledge their mistakes and the willingness to work through the process of self-maturation.<\/span><\/p>\n

Steve Lipman is <\/span>a staff writer at the <\/span>Jewish Week<\/span> in New York and a frequent contributor to <\/span>Jewish Action.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Rabbi Glaser, a resident of Lakewood, New Jersey, is the founder of <\/span>Soveya<\/span> Weight Loss Solution (www.soveya.com<\/a>). <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

How Change Happens: A View from the Courthouse<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

By Steve Lipman<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

About twenty years ago, attorney Benjamin <\/span>Brafman<\/span> represented some brothers who were accused of a substantial financial fraud. The evidence against themselves was irrefutable, and they admitted their guilt\u2014bringing dishonor to them and their families. Convicted of the crime, they spent some time in jail.<\/span><\/p>\n

After they were released, the brothers turned their lives around, declining to become involved in any business deals that were potentially lucrative but ethically suspect\u2014anything \u201cnot 100 percent kosher,\u201d as <\/span>Brafman<\/span> phrases it.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>

Ben Brafman<\/em><\/p><\/div>\n

A Modern Orthodox Jew who advises clients that he is not available on Shabbat, <\/span>Brafman<\/span> is arguably the most prominent criminal defense attorney in the country, and the courtroom advocate for scores of high-profile clients. <\/span>Brafman<\/span> says the turn-around in the lives of the brothers is typical of the change he has witnessed during his four-decades-plus in private practice. Many of his clients, of various religions and ethnic and racial backgrounds, have changed their lives for the better\u2014some after acquittal and some after conviction and time behind bars. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve seen it hundreds and hundreds of times,\u201d <\/span>Brafman<\/span> says. \u201cI\u2019ve absolutely seen people change\u2014the vast majority, for the better.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

Few of <\/span>Brafman\u2019s<\/span> clients over the years, he points out, have been Jews\u2014especially Orthodox Jews. \u201cUnfortunately, many articles have suggested that there are many more Jewish inmates than there really are, because scandal sells and because of the effort to explain how someone so strictly observant can nevertheless violate the law,\u201d he says. \u201cThe truth is that the Orthodox community is by and large scrupulously honest and charitable.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

What is the greatest disincentive against members of the Jewish community repeating their mistakes?<\/span><\/p>\n

Shame.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPublic humiliation,\u201d <\/span>Brafman<\/span> says, \u201cis a great deterrent for the small number of Jews who do get in trouble, and the vast majority would never want to duplicate that painful experience. . . .When a <\/span>frum<\/span><\/em> Jew does go to\u00a0prison, it is very rare for there to be\u00a0a second time for that person. Most find the experience very difficult and humiliating. The handful who do end up in trouble again are people who, in my\u00a0judgment,\u00a0are just not wired right, and perhaps not really <\/span>frum<\/span><\/em>.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

For many men and women, <\/span>Brafman<\/span> adds, the fear of further prosecution and punishment is an effective deterrent. Aside from the small minority of incorrigible career criminals, the majority do not repeat their mistakes. Most, he says, genuinely regret what they did.<\/span><\/p>\n

In other words, an arrest or an indictment\u2014let alone a trial, conviction and imprisonment\u2014is a strong teacher. In federal court, <\/span>Brafman<\/span> points out, it\u2019s \u201cThe United States v. X,\u201d and his client is \u201cX.\u201d That brings \u201ca humbling of the spirit. That\u2019s a wake-up call.\u201d It\u2019s a reflection of Rabbi <\/span>Chanina\u2019s<\/span> words in <\/span>Pirkei<\/span><\/em> <\/span>Avot<\/span><\/em>:<\/span> \u201cPray for the welfare of the government, since but for fear of it, men would swallow each other alive.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A lifelong resident of the New York City area and a son of Holocaust survivors, <\/span>Brafman<\/span> began his career as an assistant district attorney. As the legal representative of accused criminals, he often counsels them about the behavior and lifestyles that got them into trouble. \u201cI\u2019m not a rabbi,\u201d he says, but he gives rabbinical advice: change your attitude and your behavior.<\/span><\/p>\n

Is the change lasting?<\/span><\/p>\n

Usually, <\/span>Brafman<\/span> says. He gets frequent \u201c<\/span>nachas<\/span><\/em> calls,\u201d invitations to former clients\u2019 family weddings and other celebrations.<\/span><\/p>\n

Many, he says, remind him of the advice he gave them. \u201cYou were right,\u201d they tell him. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s my reward.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/div>\n
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How Change Happens: <\/span>A View from the World of Outreach<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>By Rabbi Avraham Edelstein, as told to <\/span>Bayla<\/span> Sheva Brenner<\/span><\/em> <\/span><\/p>\n

The\u00a0endless choices available today and the fact that the next offer is just a click away often provide the illusion\u00a0that something better is always out there and somebody else has got it. Even the offer of a free Birthright trip is not necessarily going to entice people anymore. Something has to spark their inner soul.<\/span><\/p>\n

Change requires commitment. I can provide inspiration and meaning for students, but I can\u2019t want these things\u00a0for them more than they want them for themselves. That\u2019s not a good formula for growth. <\/span><\/p>\n

The good news is that so many of them <\/span>do<\/span> want this growth. Yes, they come in with a certain skepticism, but we Jews have been a skeptical nation since Sinai. Their skepticism keeps me on my toes. It is true that, in an era where everything is a nine days\u2019 wonder, there\u2019s so much passing excitement that they have to filter most of it out. They want to know that Judaism is going to be something more than that. They sense that their current system of taking a little bit from everywhere is not right. They want to know the sources. Rabbis and <\/span>rebbetzins<\/span><\/em> can\u2019t presume to be accepted as authority figures without being tested. And students\u00a0are not just fact-checkers; they are idea-checkers as well. All of this makes life for me more interesting and challenging. <\/span><\/p>\n

Change requires commitment. I can provide inspiration and meaning for students, but I can\u2019t want these things more for them than they want them for themselves.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

There is another important point. Millennials are frantic about getting into the workplace, and therefore stay at Neve [College for Women] or similar institutions\u00a0for much shorter periods of time than what used to be the norm. Mentoring has therefore become a much more critical aspect\u00a0of our educational mandate. Personal relationships between student and staff are as central a part of the process as the classes themselves. And because they come for shorter periods than previously, our relationship with the students must continue after they leave. I speak to approximately ten alumnae a day. I see this not as follow-up, but as an essential part of our educational responsibility towards our graduates\u2019 long-term commitment. Because of these relationships, many of the women come back to study\u2014some of them repeatedly. Their growth may be slower overall, but for all that this generation has to cope with, this is the healthiest way for them to grow. <\/span><\/p>\n

Additionally, we realized that the single most powerful way our alumnae would continue to make the lifestyle changes necessary to live a Torah life is through a strong sense of peer-community. <\/span><\/p>\n

With that in mind, we\u00a0launched\u00a0\u201cThe Hub.\u201d We hired someone in the US to\u00a0organize a full range of Shabbat and other get-togethers and we now have a whole web of families who invite groups of alumnae on a regular basis. People need to grow together. <\/span><\/p>\n

Rabbi Avraham Edelstein is the educational director of Neve College for Women.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

When I was working as a lawyer in New York, I felt as if I was on a hamster wheel. I didn\u2019t feel that who I was inside was aligned with\u00a0the life I was living. I knew there had to be more. Around that time, I heard about classes on Judaism sponsored by an outreach organization.\u00a0I started going to classes, but in those days, I was more spiritual than religious. \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I moved to Miami, and subsequently quit my job to pursue acting. It was far-fetched and crazy, but it made me feel alive and challenged. I was dissatisfied and kept asking myself, \u201cIs this all there is?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

I wanted to continue learning Torah. I went to an Orthodox Pesach\u00a0Seder and thought, \u201cOh my gosh! The rabbis here are talking exactly like the rabbis in New York!\u201d I realized what I had been learning was Orthodox Judaism. One thing led to <\/span>another. I went on a <\/span>Shabbaton<\/span>, then on a ten-day long Jewish learning retreat. I decided to put my acting plans on hold and learn at Neve in Israel for three or four months.<\/span><\/p>\n

I spent more time with Orthodox people, and I felt that they had their priorities straight. Recognizing the quality of <\/span>life<\/span> I could potentially have was the biggest motivator to continue on this path. I ended up learning Torah in Israel for two years. It gave me the space\u00a0to clear my mind and the time to\u00a0develop new habits. I began with small steps and I stayed consistent. That\u2019s what leads to lasting change. Being with people I could relate to <\/span>made<\/span> the process of making these life changes enjoyable.<\/span><\/p>\n

I realize you have to choose to be religious every day, never doing it out of habit or taking it for granted. It\u2019s not a given.<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

It would have been very difficult for me had I returned to the States and tried to make all these changes there, with all my secular friends around me and without being able to articulate why I was choosing observant Judaism. Even now, I find it difficult to respond to people who constantly ask me, \u201cWhy are you doing this?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In fact, the social pressure has proven to be my biggest challenge. I thought my friends would be happy for me. They weren\u2019t. They couldn\u2019t understand how I could let Orthodox Judaism \u201cget in the way of our friendship.\u201d I had been dating a non-Jewish man before I went to Israel. We realized that we were now going on totally separate paths. My friends didn\u2019t understand the breakup. It was clear that I was making living a Jewish life my priority; in exchange, I was giving up intimacy with my former friends.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I feel liberated to live a life consistent with what I believe is right. Before, I felt that longing internally, but externally I just did what everyone else was doing. Becoming a religious Jew was a way to put everything into context for me.<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m now engaged to a young man from South Africa who is currently learning in yeshivah. We plan to live in Jerusalem. I need to be in Israel for my growth. It\u2019s much harder to run away\u00a0from working on yourself here; you are constantly aware of your actions. And I\u2019m inspired by all the role models around me all the time. I realize you have to\u00a0choose\u00a0to be religious every day, never doing it out of habit or taking it for granted. It\u2019s not a given. <\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t know where I would be now had I left Israel after the three- or four-month stay I had initially planned. My life has totally changed.<\/span><\/p>\n

By <\/span>Ahuva<\/span> Stein (not her real name), as told to <\/span>Bayla<\/span> Sheva Brenner<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If\u00a0teshuvah\u00a0is an act of self-creation, what makes it so hard and difficult to sustain? So much of life is out of our control; shouldn\u2019t our sense of self be more responsive to our direction and\u00a0aspirations?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":17916,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[199,75,102],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-17971","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-cover-story","category-jewish-thought","category-rosh-hashanah","issues-fall-20195780"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nCan We Change? - Jewish Action<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"If\u00a0teshuvah\u00a0is an act of self-creation, what makes it so hard and difficult to sustain? 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