When my wife and I were first married, we traveled to England. Attending to mundane matters upon our arrival, I needed a haircut.\u00a0 I went to a barbershop in London and as I sat down in the barber\u2019s chair, he asked me, \u201cTalk or no talk?\u201d\u00a0 I had never heard that choice presented before, and I mulled over my options for a moment.\u00a0 I could either hear the barber talk \u2013 which would be part of experiencing England, considering his accent — or choose not to.\u00a0 I opted closer to my own personality, saying to him, \u201cNo talk.\u201d\u00a0 He proceeded to give me a haircut and kept quiet the whole time.<\/p>\n
Since that trip 29 years ago, I hardly ever thought about the incident in the barbershop.\u00a0 Only recently, after attending a shivah<\/em>, did I reflect on this notion.\u00a0 When we visit a house of mourning and approach the mourner, we are required to wait before speaking.\u00a0 We must allow the mourner to speak first.\u00a0 If he does not talk, then we are not permitted to speak.\u00a0 If he does open the conversation, only then are we allowed to speak to him.\u00a0 This really is the same option that the barber was giving me: talk or no talk.<\/p>\n The Talmud states, \u201cReward comes to the one who remains silent in the house of mourning\u201d (Brachot<\/em> 6b).\u00a0 Some commentators say this \u201cone\u201d refers to the mourner himself, while others say it refers to the visitor.\u00a0 Why be quiet?\u00a0 It is explained that it is necessary for the mourner to state his acceptance of the Heavenly decree.\u00a0 Similarly, others write that the mourner must first show his distress before one can begin to comfort him.\u00a0 I always felt that the requirement for the visitor to be quiet is to allow the mourner the option of remaining silent.\u00a0 Maybe s\/he does not want to engage in conversation, wrapped up in his or her own thoughts of grief.\u00a0 It would be unfair for a visitor to intrude on the mourner\u2019s attempts to cope.<\/p>\n Often, what occurs in a shivah <\/em>house is just the opposite:\u00a0 people begin to \u201covertalk.\u201d\u00a0 They engage in chatter, as though the object were to distract the mourner from his loss, rather than taking their cue from the mourner as to how the conversation should run.\u00a0 The purpose of a shivah<\/em> visit is to offer comfort; and it\u2019s true that it is not always easy to find the right words.\u00a0 Rabbi Aron Levine notes in his book, To Comfort the Bereaved, <\/em>that the decision of whether or not to speak at all should be left to the mourner.<\/p>\n We have a tendency to speak too much.\u00a0 It is not necessary for us to constantly have something to say.\u00a0 When a young man and a young lady go out on a date, there is a certain pressure to entertain each other and a silent lull may be perceived as non-interest.\u00a0 When the two people truly become comfortable with each other, the need to speak is not as great.\u00a0 After many years of marriage, the feeling of having my wife nearby is extremely reassuring.\u00a0 I do not feel pressured to court her attention.\u00a0 When I am away on a trip out of town without her, I have trouble sleeping.\u00a0 I know that what keeps me from complete rest is her absence.\u00a0 This kind of relationship is greatly satisfying — and it is accomplished by one\u2019s presence, even in silence.<\/p>\n Needless to say, there are other times when there is no option of \u201ctalk or no talk.\u201d\u00a0 There are times when clearly the responsibility is to not<\/em> talk.\u00a0 This is something that I need to remind myself of (as well as others) in shul<\/em>, during davening<\/em> or during the Torah reading, where silence is mandated, and yet we feel the necessity to fill the lulls of silence with the sound of our voices.<\/p>\n There are other times when I need to remind people that to articulate is necessary.\u00a0 We do not expect God to read our minds and we are not permitted to absolve ourselves of our responsibility to dialogue with Him.\u00a0 It is not enough to \u201cread\u201d the siddur<\/em> as if we are reading a book.\u00a0 It is required to articulate the words so that we hear ourselves speaking, though the person next to us should not be able to hear what we say.\u00a0 Hence I must talk and articulate my requests, my praises, my desires, and only then hope to feel Hashem\u2019s positive response.<\/p>\n Talk or no talk? Remembering this question is a good reminder to us that the options are ours. It is the daily decisions we make in answer to this question that make our lives empty or rewarding, filled with idle chatter or meaningful discussion.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Rabbi Davis has been the rabbi of the Young Israel of Hollywood-Ft. Lauderdale (Florida) for the past 19 years.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" When my wife and I were first married, we traveled to England. Attending to mundane matters upon our arrival, I needed a haircut.\u00a0 I went to a barbershop in London and as I sat down in the barber\u2019s chair, he asked me, \u201cTalk or no talk?\u201d\u00a0 I had never heard that choice presented before, and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":498,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"ep_exclude_from_search":false,"_cloudinary_featured_overwrite":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[79],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-28223","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-inspiration","issues-fall-20005761"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n