By Rabbi Yakov Danishefsky
Mosaica Press
Beit Shemesh, Israel, 2023
166 pages
Reviewed by Rabbi Micah Greenland
At its heart, Judaism is about relationships. In my own work, I am constantly reminded of how much we invest in strengthening our ties with family, with community and with ourselves. We devote effort to learning how to communicate better, to forgive, to nurture love, and to extend kindness not only to others but also inwardly. Yet while we invest great energy into these areas, we often leave underexplored the question of how to build and sustain our relationship with G-d. This is so despite our knowing, as David Hamelech reminds us, that “kirvat Elokim li tov—closeness to G-d is the very definition of good” (Tehillim 73:28). Few pursuits, then, are more valuable than developing an authentic, enduring connection with our Creator.
In Attached: Connecting to Our Creator—A Jewish Psychological Approach, Rabbi Yakov Danishefsky takes this challenge head-on. A rabbi and clinical social worker, he draws from relationship psychology and attachment theory—an approach developed by British psychologist John Bowlby that explains how early bonds shape emotional security in relationships—to provide a paradigm for connecting with G-d that is both practical and deeply resonant. Just as human relationships require trust, communication, forgiveness and steady investment, so too does our relationship with the Divine.
This comparison is what makes Attached stand out. Rabbi Danishefsky does not simply borrow psychological jargon; he uses the insights of experts in human intimacy to illuminate our spiritual lives. For example, renowned psychologists and researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman encourage couples to ask: “When I’m with this person, how do I feel about myself?” Rabbi Danishefsky applies the same question to our relationship with G-d. “How do you feel about yourself,” writes Rabbi Danishefsky, “in the relationship with the G-d you currently engage? Do you feel loved, accepted, wanted, able to make and own mistakes, confident enough and motivated to expand beyond your comfort zone, and happy being in your own skin? Do you feel that you can be you—without putting on an act?” To whatever extent we struggle with our answers, it is likely that our relationship with G-d needs further careful reflection and intentional work.
Classic Jewish sources echo this relational model. Rav Tzadok HaKohen of Lublin teaches that our national bond with G-d began with a dramatic moment of inspiration as we left Egypt, but it matured only through steady, deliberate growth. Rabbi Danishefsky, who is coming out with an “Attached Haggadah” shortly, develops this theme, offering guidance for those times when the initial spark seems to fade. What do we do when we feel distant, when we fear we have angered G-d, or when the intensity of connection wanes? Just as couples or friends must learn to navigate conflict, repair trust, and rekindle love, so too must we bring those same skills into our avodat Hashem.
The result is a book that is as honest and practical as it is hopeful. Rabbi Danishefsky acknowledges the reality of anger, doubt and estrangement in our spiritual lives rather than glossing over them. Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev was famous for channeling his feelings of anger and exasperation with G-d into opportunities to turn more intentionally toward Him, rather than allowing them to lead to estrangement. Rabbi Danishefsky quotes the story of Rabbi Levi Yitzchak pausing in contemplation for many minutes during a Pesach Seder before asking the Mah Nishtanah.
“Master of the World! I don’t have four questions . . . I have four million questions! How could You take our neighbor’s husband and leave little children without a father? How could You give this one such an illness and this one such bitterness and this one such poverty?” He was exasperated with holy anger, but ultimately concluded, “as long as I know that it’s all in Your name, that it’s all for You, I can live and continue to live in Your Name.”
Just as human relationships require trust, communication, forgiveness and steady investment, so too does our relationship with the Divine.
Rabbi Danishefsky insists that such feelings of anger or estrangement are not signs of failure but invitations to deepen the relationship with G-d in new ways. Elsewhere, drawing on bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman’s “love languages” framework, Rabbi Danishefsky similarly posits that there are four “spiritual love languages” into which Jewish practices can be categorized: words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service (combined as one category in Rabbi Danishefsky’s framing, whereas Dr. Chapman treats them as two), and physical touch. Each of these has a particular set of mitzvot to which it relates, serving as an additional channel through which to strengthen our relationship. When we feel unloved by G-d, it is likely that we are neglecting to nurture this vital spiritual relationship in one or more of those ways. Choosing one of them to focus on will invariably help us feel closer. Additionally, Rabbi Danishefsky suggests, “just as a good marital therapist will help a couple find their love languages even if it doesn’t come easily, genuine teachers, rabbis, and conveyors of Judaism will help you find your love language with G-d, even if it doesn’t come easily.” His tone throughout is compassionate and concrete, guiding readers with examples and exercises that make the work of spiritual growth tangible.
Rabbi Danishefsky also puts into words what I see every day in NCSY: how much authentic relationships matter, especially for Jewish teens. Many teens struggle not only with questions of belief, but with whether Judaism feels safe enough, personal enough and real enough to sustain them. A recent report by the OU’s Center for Communal Research reinforces this reality. The study shows that belonging, emotional security, and authenticity are essential for meaningful Jewish engagement, noting that “Jewish meaning deepens when it is layered onto environments that already meet teens’ developmental and emotional needs.” This resonates deeply with our work. In NCSY—an organization devoted to teens’ spiritual growth and their human relationships—we work to help teens build real connections with mentors, friends and community, and through them, with G-d Himself, so that these relationships strengthen one another rather than compete.
I am also struck by how a growing relationship with G-d can quietly reshape a person’s human relationships. One recent NCSY alumna comes to mind. She had been estranged from her father for several years and had come to believe that his flaws made reconciliation impossible. Her spiritual journey began in high school, and today she is fully observant and feels deeply connected to G-d. That connection brought her a sense of calm and inner stability and, unexpectedly, the courage to reach out to her father. Despite his imperfections, she rebuilt the relationship. Today, she speaks with him regularly and feels genuinely grateful to have him back in her life. She sees her relationship with G-d as the framework that made that reconciliation with her father possible.
What Attached demonstrates is that the very skills that make for healthy human relationships—listening, consistency, empathy and forgiveness—are also the skills that can draw us closer to G-d. For our teens, this message is invaluable, but it is equally relevant for adults of all ages who seek to make their religious lives more real and more personal.
In a cultural moment where many are searching for authenticity and depth, Attached bridges the world of psychology and Torah to show that our relationship with G-d can be nurtured with the same intentionality we bring to our human relationships. It neither oversimplifies nor overintellectualizes. Instead, it provides tools—drawn from both clinical practice and Torah wisdom—that can help us sustain closeness with G-d through joy, through struggle and through the ordinary rhythms of life.
Ultimately, Attached left me—as I believe it will leave many readers—with a powerful challenge: to treat our relationship with G-d with at least the seriousness we treat our human relationships. That means asking ourselves not only whether we believe or how we observe, but also whether we feel loved, understood and strengthened in G-d’s presence. With warmth, clarity and practical wisdom, Rabbi Danishefsky shows us how to answer that question in the affirmative. For anyone seeking to make their religious life more authentic, more grounded and more connected, Attached is an invaluable guide.
Rabbi Micah Greenland is international director of NCSY.