Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Two of my heroes wear invisible capes. Their names are Yechezkel and Tamar, and you probably never heard of them. They have not invented a cure to heal any major illness, founded a life-changing program or done anything else that would put them in headlines.
Until last December, they were like any other upwardly mobile frum couple. Thirty years old and newly married without children yet, the couple were living the life they thought they were raised to live in their suburban Orthodox community. Yechezkel worked in real estate, while Tamar was a secretary. They drove a late-model sedan, lived in a spacious two-bedroom apartment with a $3,500 monthly rent, and even gave tzedakah whenever possible. But even without the expenses of children, they were overspending on what felt like necessities. They chose the nicer apartment when a perfectly adequate place for $2,300 was available, upgrading their lifestyle to match their combined income rather than building for their future.
But they started to confront unexpected financial tribulation. Their expenses were growing, and their marriage was floundering as a result.
Sadly, their story is far from unique. Across the country, countless frum couples are quietly struggling in similar ways—hard-working families without a clear plan toward financial stability, caught in a cycle of credit card debt and high-interest mortgages.
As executive director of Collective Kindness, a growing nonprofit that helps struggling middle-class families with a hand up, I’ve seen how widespread this has become. I’ve seen how many hard-working frum families are feeling the financial strain and hoping things will somehow work out. These are not irresponsible people; they’re doing their best but often lack a clear plan for long-term financial stability. I’ve met families earning $220,000 a year who, after paying $80,000 in tuition for five children, are barely managing to stay afloat. According to every metric, they’re crushing it. But they’re anything but.
I’ve met families earning $220,000 a year who, after paying $80,000 in tuition for five children, are barely managing to stay afloat. According to every metric, they’re crushing it. But they’re anything but.
The 2024 Kosher Money “Frum Finance Survey,” an open-access web survey conducted in consultation with Dr. Michelle Shain, of the Jewish Non-Profit Planning and Research Institute, in partnership with Living Smarter Jewish, took a hard look at the financial well-being of nearly 3,000 Orthodox families, the majority of whom live in the Northeast of the US. Kosher Money is a podcast created by Living Lchaim and sponsored by Living Smarter Jewish, a financial literacy initiative of the Orthodox Union. The study found that even families with annual incomes of $250,000 to $300,000 feel financially strained. Even among those earning more than $300,000 annually, 30 percent of those who responded reported they feel as if they were struggling.
The Silent Stigma
And it’s not just a feeling. The problems are real. And they are often left unsolved, with little help offered to guide people. Financial issues are not only being experienced by those under the poverty line. The average family, the one with two incomes and a respectable quarter-page ad at the yeshivah dinner, is having a hard time financially, too.
You may not know about it, but there is a silent stigma in our community that prevents us from discussing this issue in the open.
Of those who responded to the study, more than 40 percent of couples over forty years old don’t pay off their credit card balances monthly. Fewer than half of the families in our communities own more than $100,000 in assets other than their homes, the same study reported. Many of us do not have enough to cover even one month’s expenses.
The list goes on, and I don’t need to tell you about it because this may very well be your experience or that of someone you know.
But what Yechezkel and Tamar did next make them heroic in my eyes.
Making Difficult Decisions
They broke their lease, gave up their apartment and cut up their credit cards while making a plan with a debt expert. The couple made the difficult decision to temporarily move into a relative’s backhouse in another state, a small, modest space that allowed them to slash their housing costs while they worked toward financial stability. It wasn’t easy, and it certainly wasn’t without its awkward moments and bruised pride, but it gave them breathing room to rebuild without the crushing weight of a $3,500 monthly rent payment.
They are choosing to live within their means.
The major changes were very difficult for them. There was unspoken pity from their friends, the uncertainty of leaving the tri-state area to move across the country, and the challenge of having to curb their spending.
Many of us worry that if we live too frugally, we’ll be constantly burdened and unhappy. But . . . out-of-control spending and the uncertainty it brings are much more stressful.
But there was also the euphoria of being free from mounting debt, from doing things “just because,” and from the stress of choosing which bills to pay and which to ignore. They took a difficult path, perhaps more radical than many of us would take. But we can do some of what they did and make adjustments in our lives. Many of us believe we are willing to take on such a challenge. But when push comes to shove, we hesitate to give up on the things we consider necessities.
And the truth is, it’s not our fault, because there are some expensive things that truly are not luxuries. Day school tuition is a must, housing within a metro area near shuls and schools is a must, matzah on Pesach is a must, and so is kosher food.
More people in Orthodox communities across the country are struggling financially each year. Expenses are rising, societal pressures are increasing and our salaries are lagging behind. The problems we are facing must be addressed by Orthodox leaders, both on a national and communal scale. But every couple and individual has the power to change the course of their financial well-being and take control of their own situation.
One of our clients is having a difficult time financially, and his marriage is affected as a result. One issue the couple is currently working through together is what to do in a few months when they welcome a son. In their community, it’s a given that they throw a lavish brit in a hall or a shul. But they don’t have money for Pampers, let alone party planners.
They know the answer is to “downgrade” to a simple affair in their house for a small group of family and close friends. At the same time, they are grappling with the inner voice that says: “What will everyone say about us? We just can’t.”
But they can. And they will. The good thing is that every time an individual chooses to forgo a luxury that “everyone” thinks they need, it becomes easier for others to follow suit. When you limit your son’s bar mitzvah to a kiddush, that gives permission for others to follow. When you drive the perfectly fine car you bought last decade, you normalize it for others. And the cycle grows from one family to the next.
A member of the Kosher Money WhatsApp chat—run by Kosher Money podcast host Eli Langer—shared recently: “A caterer’s wife, who handles the business’ books, said, ‘You have no idea how much we are owed. How many of these blowout kiddushim are being paid out over six months. Zelles from a million different people just to pay for that one person’s single kiddush. If only people knew.’”
Anyone involved in finances can tell you how compound interest works. You get a little bit of money each month—not a lot—but you add it to your investment and then further invest it. The account builds slowly, and over the course of decades, you can build up a respectable retirement fund out of nickels and dimes.
The same works in other areas of life, as well. Buying generic cereal may be a small savings, but add it together throughout the year and it saves you a lot of money. Stick to those habits over the course of years with a compound effect, and you will have saved thousands of dollars. At the same time, you will teach your kids valuable lessons that they, too, will carry on for the rest of their lives.
Expenses are rising, societal pressures are increasing and our salaries are lagging behind.
Rochel is a woman I know who is not wealthy. She and her husband both work in klei kodesh (Jewish communal work). There is not a lot of extra money to go around. But she has some tricks to smooth things out. Whenever she gets cash, she puts it away in an envelope. Over time, that money adds up. And when it comes time to purchase a pair of tefillin for one of their sons, she has the money ready, allowing them to spend on the other bar mitzvah–related expenses without spiraling out of control.
Many of us worry that if we live too frugally, we’ll be constantly burdened and unhappy. But I have spoken to many people who say the opposite is true. Out-of-control spending and the uncertainty it brings are much more stressful.
One couple who came to see us for financial counseling was referred by their therapist. When they first arrived, they were in a difficult place, receiving over $5,000 in assistance a month from family and friends, all while trying to work on difficulties in their relationship. Once they began working with us to make real changes in their life, everything slowly started to shift. They began to look up and had a positive perspective on their future. The husband, who was out of work, got a good job and even took on additional side work to accelerate debt repayment. The wife became mindful of her grocery spending, they cancelled a significant amount of subscriptions, and they negotiated down their insurance monthly payments.
Most importantly, they began to see each other differently. Couples who work to make changes will have additional respect and appreciation for one another, with each putting in real effort toward building a healthier financial and family life, all while becoming cash-flow positive. With a few more months of steady progress and the completion of some loan payments over the next two years, they will be in a position to pay off debt, build an emergency fund and live fully within their means, something they’ve never really done before.
It’s time we acknowledge openly within ourselves and our communities that financial struggles are widespread, and that there’s no shame in seeking help. Resources exist for families working hard but still struggling to make ends meet. The OU’s Living Smarter Jewish, which was started to help frum families cope with the rising costs of a frum lifestyle, pairs experienced financial coaches with families to develop sustainable budgets. Additionally, the organization I run, Collective Kindness, has launched a new initiative that helps families assess their debt and create actionable plans toward solvency, all without hidden agendas or profit motives (http://kosherdebthelp.com). Hope exists, and with Hashem’s help, we can come together as a community to build financial responsibility and security for all our families.
Shalom Goodman is co-founder and executive director of Collective Kindness, a nonprofit supporting Jewish families navigating financial challenges. He was previously an editor at the Wall Street Journal.
More in this section:
Crushed by the Costs: The Hidden Financial Strain of the Orthodox Middle Class by Shalom Goodman
Financial Minimalism by Rivka Resnik
The Cost of Community: The OU’s Bold Effort to Make Frum Life Sustainable by Tova Cohen