Absolute Borders

Purim, 2006 – Joyous celebration  in the sovereign State of Israel greeted the final step of the “At Peace” Process — the signing of the Why Not? Accords at an undisclosed location.   According to the agreement, the new Israeli borders are “absolute,” never to be  violated by the Palestinian state surrounding it, honest.

On the evacuation of Israelis from the occupied cities of Jerusalem, Tel Aviv and Haifa, Minister of Compromise Yossie Yesno commented, “We weren’t really using those cities anyway.  Some Israelis may feel a slight emotional attachment to these places, but they are not significant in the long run.  Holding out on these locations had been impeding the Process.”

Yesno spoke in glowing terms of the nation’s new capital:  Afula.  “You have no idea what’s there; nobody does,” he assured this reporter.  “You want scenery like in Haifa?  It’s got plenty of scenery, believe me.  The shipping industry wasn’t doing so hot anyway.  Who needs it?  Tel Aviv sophisticates miss the glamour and night spots? We’ll build new night spots in Afula, as soon as we hook up the electricity.  And holiness?  Ach, Jerusalem doesn’t even come close to the holiness just seeping up through the very soil of Afula!”

When it was pointed out that the seepage was probably due to industrial plants in nearby Migdal HaEmek, Yesno retorted that negotiations are pending with the new Palestinian government of Migdal HaEmek to discuss his very problem. He was confident that the PA would be generous about allowing Israel to keep the seepage at no extra cost.

The historic moment of the signing couldn’t have come at a more opportune time.  According to Professor Belial Sha’on, Minister of  Conscience & Re-education, “You can’t turn back the clock.  We can only more forward to our glorious destiny.  Every school child knows that the land we were occupying was taken through force, terror and by using our crafty Jewish noodle against helpless Palestinian villagers.  How can we allow such injustice to continue?  True, it may be inconvenient to move a few million Israelis into our new borders, but think how much better we’ll feel when the territories are returned to their rightful owners – descendants of the Phoenicians, Jebusites, Hittites and Canaanites, according to their research.  Also Ishmael, they’re descended from Ishmael too, I think.  That’s why they have exclusive rights to Hebron, the burial place of their revered ancestor, Ibrahim ibn Terach.

Just how secure will the new borders be? “That’s a question?” chided Gever Chazak, Minister of Defense, Security and Bird Sanctuaries.  “It’s true that inside our new borders we have no airfields, no military bases and no radar equipment. And according to the Why Not? agreement, our police are permitted to carry only nightsticks and Purim shtick.   But we do have a very effective deterrent to attack:  Moshi and Yoshi, the two finest guard dogs in the Middle East!  Their job will be to run up and down inside our border gates growling and snapping at anyone who tries to jimmy the locks. Hoo boy, even Hamas wouldn’t want to tangle with them!”

On the night of the signing, spontaneous singing and dancing in the streets broke out in every corner of the Jewish state.  Singing “Peace at Last,” the hora dancers widened their circles more and more, until benevolent Palestinian police snipers cheerfully shouted from nearby rooftops not to let the circles become too wide, lest they step over the Absolute Border.

Charlotte Friedland was the previous editor of Jewish Action.