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Let’s try a little thought experiment: Imagine you were on a school board hiring a new rosh yeshivah and one of the applicants was childless. Would that make you second-guess hiring him? What if you were considering hiring a principal for a Bais Yaakov school and the applicant was divorced? Or hiring a maggid shiur who was estranged from his wife? Or perhaps you were looking for someone to speak to about your chinuch dilemma and the rabbi who was recommended had no children of his own. Would you, in any of these situations, look elsewhere, wondering if the applicant has the necessary experience to do their job well?
Baruch Hashem, our bubbies and zeidies did not allow these perceived deficiencies to get in the way. Had they done so, the Jewish people would look very different today. Rabbi Meir Shapiro, who was childless, would not have been entrusted to build Yeshivas Chachmei Lublin and initiate Daf Yomi. Sarah Schenirer, who was divorced and childless, would not have been respected enough to create the Bais Yaakov movement. Rav Tzadok HaKohen, who was separated from his wife, would not have been invited to take the helm of the Izhbitz Chassidus. And Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, the Lubavitcher Rebbe, who was childless, would not have been the address for countless parents who turned to him for chinuch advice.
Sarah Schenirer, who was divorced and childless, would not have been respected enough to create the Bais Yaakov movement.
How many changemakers are there in the world, with ideas to transform their communities, who are too bashful to share their thoughts? How many talmidei chachamim live and die unknown to the world because they second-guess the extent of their own Torah knowledge? Sometimes it is the individual with the skills or wisdom who is at fault for not sharing their abilities with others, but sometimes it is we, the community members, who are at fault for not giving them the opportunities they deserve because we make assumptions about those who do not fall into typical family categorizations.
Of course, it’s a two-way street. Individuals who find themselves outside the traditional family structure—particularly singles—also carry a responsibility to step into community life. For example, many single men and women float from shul to shul and do not have a shul to call home. While shuls could certainly do more to make them feel more welcome, by not joining a shul, these individuals are not only left without a rabbi who can act as an advocate for them, but they lose the opportunity to have a real sense of community. Additionally, instead of being the recipient of other people’s chesed, volunteering with one of the countless chesed organizations in their communities can reawaken their innate sense of dignity that we all deserve.
In a recent OU study, single men and women were asked what they most wanted from the community. The overwhelming response was not a call for compassion or special treatment, but simply to be treated like everyone else. What does that mean practically? When speaking to a single person at a kiddush, engage in the same topics with them as you would with anyone else. When seeing a single person in a store, say hi, without giving that overly-compassionate-bleeding-into-pity look for still being single. And, as our history has made clear, give single men and women opportunities that we afford those who are married with children.
The Gemara in Sanhedrin (37a) explains that Hashem created Adam as an individual to teach us that the entirety of the world is worth being created for one person. He was not only single; he was without parents, without children and without a spouse, and yet, he was able to say, “bishvili nivra haolam—the world was created for me.” Rav Tzadok, in Peri Tzadik (Parashas Shekalim 1:2), explains the Gemara to mean that each person has an utterly unique role to play in the Divine plan. This is an idea we all know and believe in. It would serve us well, as individuals and communities, if we could put this ideal into practice.
Rabbi Yisrael Motzen is the rabbi of Ner Tamid Greenspring Valley Congregation in Baltimore, Maryland. He serves as special assistant to the executive vice presidents of the Orthodox Union and is also the director of Ashiva, a new OU department dedicated to raising awareness about the challenges faced by individuals who do not fit the typical Orthodox family mold, and to ensuring they are treated with the respect they deserve.