By Sara Miriam Gross
Menucha Publishers
New York, 2024
240 pages
Reviewed by Steve Lipman
Now an adult, mother, writer and writing coach who lives in Israel, Sara Miriam Gross became a member of the “invisible tribe” when she was in first grade.
“Invisible tribe” is her term for young boys and girls whose mother or father has died; these children are united by the loss they have suffered, which is not always visible to outsiders. Members of the group that they did not wish to join share common emotions, common sad feelings, common questions of will things ever be the same?
Remembering how she felt when her father died, Gross wrote Invisible Tribe, a collection of stories about kids mourning, coping and coming to terms with their new lives without Ima or Abba.
“It was my father’s passing that put my life on fast-forward, got me thinking about things that no one else my age was contemplating, and ultimately enabled me to write Invisible Tribe,” she writes, “the book that I wish had been around when I was a kid.”
The book is clearly intended for the Orthodox community. It is respectful of frum norms, describes Orthodox schools and camps, and employs Orthodox language. Parents are niftar; they don’t simply “die.”
The author’s stories do not minimize or sugarcoat the degree of loss experienced by young children who have to deal with often-sudden, always-painful loss, and they do not offer Pollyannaish endings. Loss is still loss. But Gross, undoubtedly drawing on her own life, tells of children’s relationships with their friends, schoolmates, relatives and neighbors which help them through.
Steve Lipman is a frequent contributor to Jewish Action.
An interview with Sara Miriam Gross, author of Invisible Tribe
By Chaya Miriam Waintman
Chaya Miriam Waintman: How did you begin writing your book, Invisible Tribe?
Sara Miriam Gross: I first began writing short stories for the newsletters of Links Family, an organization dedicated to helping children who have lost a parent. Eventually I had over six years’ worth of stories, and I decided to compile them so that they would be available to any bereft child who wanted to read them in the future.
CMW: What prompted you to take on this project?
SMG: I lost my father when I was seven, then I lost my grandmother a year after that. I wanted to help other children who also lost a parent by giving them stories that they could relate to, ones that brought them into the global community that I call our “invisible tribe.” I wanted to write stories about the unique struggles of grieving children and about their everyday lives, too. But I wanted to do it in an uplifting way that gave them strength and made them smile. Dena Ackerman’s playful illustrations definitely helped with that!
CMW: What was the inspiration behind the stories?
SMG: All the stories are fictional, but the emotions and challenges in them are true. Some were inspired by other families, and some of them were inspired by my own experience. For instance, the story “The Youngest Yizkor,” about a boy worried that he will be the youngest one in shul saying Yizkor, was drawn from my own memories, and the story “Cookies,” about a boy who found some of his recently deceased mother’s cookies in the freezer and nibbled away at them one by one, was inspired by an event in my own life after my grandmother passed away.
CMW: What response have you seen to the book?
SMG: It’s been a bigger response than I ever imagined. I think the book is most helpful to those between the ages of seven and thirteen who lost a parent, but I have gotten feedback from people in other stages of life, too. I recently received a message from a high school senior who said that she brings Invisible Tribe along with her to school in her backpack to read at difficult moments. Widowed parents have told me that the book helped them better understand the loss from their children’s point of view. Even parents who have lost a child have said that the book has helped their families, despite the fact that they’re coping with the reverse situation.
CMW: What is your hope for Invisible Tribe?
SMG: My biggest hope for Invisible Tribe is that soon it will no longer be needed! Until that day comes, I hope that the book will be a source of strength and comfort to all children who have lost a parent, and that it will help all of Klal Yisrael become more sensitive to these children. I am also hoping to publish a Hebrew edition, so these supportive stories will be available to Israeli children as well.
Chaya Miriam Waintman is a daycare teacher living in Lakewood, New Jersey.
To reach out to the author of Invisible Tribe, email us at ja@ou.org.