“It’s not all or nothing”
I don’t keep Shabbat, but I host Friday night dinner.”
“There are things that I enjoy about Judaism, and those are the things that I celebrate.”
“I’m doing the parts of Judaism that bring me joy.”
These statements, from different participants in the OU study, point to a surprising finding: “leavers” often maintain a strong connection to Orthodoxy.
In fact, the study found that many formerly Orthodox individuals have ties to Judaism generally and to Orthodoxy specifically. “Aspects of their identities remained Orthodox, they expressed positivity about many aspects of Orthodox life and they continue to see the world in ways influenced by Orthodox values and beliefs,” states the study. While 25 out of 29 of the interviewees had at least some positive things to say about the frum community, a few made “strikingly heartfelt positive comments about Orthodoxy.” Only four formerly Orthodox individuals expressed outright animosity towards Orthodoxy.
What this demonstrates, says Dr. Rachel Ginsberg, principal researcher at the OU’s CCR, is that “the experience of leaving [the community] is not binary. Very often, connections remain that are real, important and personal and shape people’s lives. It’s not ‘you’re either in or you’re out’; that’s not how we should be viewing ‘leavers.’” Indeed, a single mom interviewed by Jewish Action who does not consider herself Orthodox expressed a similar idea: “Judaism is not all or nothing,” she says, explaining that she observes the laws that she can, especially when her children are around.
Formerly Orthodox individuals will frequently maintain friendships with Orthodox members of the community. One interviewee explained that all her “closest friends today are still Orthodox,” even though she herself no longer is. Lea, who was interviewed by Jewish Action, is part of the LGBTQ community and is no longer part of the Orthodox community. Nevertheless, she still frequents her old neighborhood, a thriving Jewish community on the East Coast, connecting with friends and family. On occasion, she will attend her Orthodox shul where she is greeted warmly.
“Those who are raised in religious environments tend to hold on to their religiosity in various ways even after leaving,” explains researcher sociologist Dr. Nadia Beider, in her article entitled, “Religious residue: The impact of childhood religious socialization on the religiosity of nones in France, Germany, Great Britain, and Sweden.”
Indeed, religious practices still have meaning for some “leavers.” More than three quarters of participants described having fond memories of certain traditions and therefore continue to observe them, such as hosting a Pesach Seder or attending a megillah reading on Purim. Almost half of the participants spoke about attending shul; one talked about feeling G-d during davening. Another described attending a Reform service at his daughter’s school and finding it deeply uncomfortable because he grew up attending an Orthodox shul.
Some leavers are drawn to the sense of community in the Orthodox world, with one describing it as “warm, caring and tight knit.” Another felt the “frum world does a lot better with . . . tzedakah and bikur cholim and all these organizations.” Still another stated, “[the Orthodox] do community better than anything.”
Feedback from formerly Orthodox Jews—positive and negative—can be very instructive, say researchers.
“As parents, we should be intentional about creating positive associations with traditions and holidays and to ensure they are taking place in a loving and happy way,” says Dr. Ginsberg. Such experiences, she explains, can leave a lasting impact, as evident from those who continue to observe certain rituals long after having abandoned the Orthodox community.
The positive feedback, she says, should encourage the Orthodox community to “learn from the things we are doing right” and then leverage those lessons to “improve the areas in which we can do better.”
What is perhaps most fascinating is that a few leavers still identify as Orthodox in some ways despite having left. “I think Orthodox Judaism is the strongest, the most potent means to ensure Jewish continuity,” said one participant, “and in that sense I’m still part of the Jewish community and the Orthodox community.”
In This Section
Leaving the Fold: The OU’s New Study Provides Insights Into Attrition
Why Study Attrition? by Dr. Moshe Krakowski
Parenting on Different Pages by Merri Ukraincik
When School and Family Don’t Match by S. Schreiber