All the Lonely People
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Songs have a way of resonating and connecting with us on a deep level. Long ago, when I first heard the song “Eleanor Rigby” by the Beatles, it seemed to put my own thoughts and feelings into words. Listening to the song on the car radio, I recognized Eleanor Rigby. She wanted to belong, and so did I.
During the 1960s, I was an anomaly in my Modern Orthodox community. I was the only child in my yeshivah class who lived in a single-parent household. During my formative years, separation and divorce were taboo topics—no one spoke about them. I often felt like a square peg in a round hole, carrying a nameless and lonely void. What made things worse was that people didn’t know how to reach out to me or help me name that void that lay in the pit of my stomach. I can’t recall anyone ever looking me in the eyes and asking how I was doing or saying, “How can I help you? Do you want to talk about how it is for you at home?” There were no outlets for expressing my feelings.
As I moved forward into adulthood, I kept those feelings bottled up. However, there is a long-term price to pay for pushing through—it often leads to a sense of shame, anxiety and even depression.
My experience is not unique. So many people feel invisible and experience deep loneliness. We have a need to connect with others and to belong; we’re hardwired to be social from birth.
Rabbi Elliot Schrier, rabbi of Congregation Bnai Yeshurun in Teaneck, New Jersey, observes that loneliness is particularly evident among certain groups, including those who are widowed and divorced, singles, people living with chronic illness, and families with children who have special needs.
Rabbi Schrier shares how a congregant recently lamented that his social life was dramatically altered due to chronic illness. “I used to enjoy a large social circle; people always invited us for Shabbat,” the congregant told him. “But now it’s changed because of my condition.”
Discomfort, explains Rabbi Schrier, often triggers social isolation. “People feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say or do when confronted with individuals facing difficult challenges. It is often painful for them, and because of their own discomfort, it is easier not to address it.”
Yet, he notes, we can push past our unease. “Focus on the individual going through a hardship, not on your own discomfort. Try to be fully present and available to them. It’s not helpful to be preachy or to give unwanted advice.” Sometimes, he says, someone might yearn for connection yet not want to talk on the phone. During those times, texting short notes can be a good option. Bottom line: the message should be “I’m here and I care about you.”
During my formative years, separation and divorce were taboo topics—no one spoke about them.
According to Harvard Magazine, loneliness is defined as a subjective experience, but social psychologists believe loneliness is the gap between the social connections you would like to have and those you actually experience.1
There is also a direct connection between loneliness and physical health.
As former US Surgeon General Dr. Vivek H. Murthy writes:
Loneliness is far more than just a bad feeling—it harms both individual and societal health. It is associated with a greater risk of cardiovascular disease, dementia, stroke, depression, anxiety, and premature death. The mortality impact of being socially disconnected is similar to that caused by smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day, and even greater than that associated with obesity and physical inactivity.2
While the health risks are clear, sometimes social isolation shows up when life changes.
“I often feel like a pariah,” says Sarah, who is recently divorced after being in a long-term marriage. “People who know me as a married woman don’t know how to deal with me. I just don’t seem to fit into a particular box anymore, and it’s obvious that some old friends and acquaintances are uncomfortable with my situation.
“Often I feel out of sight, out of mind, and don’t receive invitations for Shabbat meals,” Sarah says. “But when I make concerted efforts and become more visible by attending shul and other activities, people often respond positively. Then, the invitations trickle in. I’ve learned that being passive doesn’t work, and it helps me to reach out to people.”
Sarah appreciates the friends who show empathy and sensitivity. One friend asked, “What do you need from me right now?” Another friend asked, “What am I doing that I can do better?”
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if someone had addressed my parents’ separation way back then. Perhaps I might not have responded at all. Or, maybe I would have simply said, “I’m okay.” It’s even possible that, given the chance, I would have opened up and expressed my feelings. Certainly, however, I would have felt seen in my totality and less invisible—and that would have made all the difference.
Notes
1. Jacob Sweet, “The Loneliness Pandemic,” Harvard Magazine, May 15, 2025, https://www.harvardmagazine.com/2020/12/feature-the-loneliness-pandemic.
2. Vivek H. Murthy, “Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The US Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community,” 2023, https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf.
Esther Kook is a teacher, learning specialist and freelance writer. Her work has appeared in Hadassah Magazine and the Jewish Standard.
Ashiva is a new OU department dedicated to raising awareness about the challenges faced by individuals who do not fit the typical Orthodox family mold, and to ensuring they are treated with the respect they deserve.