Most people who choose cremation have not done a deep exploration of the issue and are not committed to it. Very often, it is chosen simply because it feels like the easiest, cheapest and least complicated option.
The most important thing is to reach people before they make a decision. In many cases, they haven’t actually decided anything at all. Experience has shown that it is far easier to influence someone who has not yet made a choice than to change their mind afterward. This is a conversation that is best raised much earlier—sometimes even decades before it seems relevant.
Above all, approach this topic with the utmost sincerity. People are moved by your genuine care, which speaks louder than words. Make sure you are coming from a place of ahavas Yisrael and truly wanting what is best for them. This conversation is not about your mitzvah brownie points. It is about chesed shel emes for them—ensuring that they will be treated in the kindest way possible, with the body handled gently and with dignity.
There is no one-size-fits-all script. Every person is an individual. It is essential to understand who you are speaking to—what is driving their decision-making and what their values are. Ask open-ended questions and listen carefully, without judgment. Assume they are thoughtful people who want to make good choices for themselves and those they love. In many cases, they have simply never learned why Jewish burial is meaningful. Show them how burial actually aligns with their values.
There is no one-size-fits-all script. Every person is an individual.
If they are spiritual, speaking about the spiritual impact of burial versus cremation and what the neshamah experiences may be illuminating. At the same time, there are others for whom mentioning the soul will cause them to disengage entirely. Know your audience.
If they feel connected to Jewish heritage or strongly aligned with Israel, you may speak about the deep value of burial throughout Jewish history, which continues today. This is reflected in the extraordinary lengths to which the Israeli government and the IDF go to bring fallen soldiers or hostages to burial, even many years or decades later.
If finances are the concern, it is important to reassure them that no Jew ever needs to be cremated due to financial hardship. There are always resources available when there is genuine need. If you are able, let them know it would be an honor for you to help explore those resources and make the necessary arrangements.
If they believe cremation is better for the environment, you can respectfully share that Jewish burial is actually a form of green burial—performed by hand, without chemicals, using biodegradable shrouds and coffins—and is far more environmentally friendly than cremation, which has a significant carbon footprint and releases toxins into the environment.
Sometimes there is an unspoken fear—which you can tune into if you listen carefully—that no one will come to their funeral or visit their grave. You can express that you, or your children or grandchildren, would want to visit. At the same time, gently remind them that burial is primarily about treating the deceased with dignity and kindness, not about visitors. Even Moshe Rabbeinu, the greatest Jewish leader of all time, has no known grave that people visit.
If there is fear of being “eaten by worms” or claustrophobia, it may help to clarify misconceptions. At the depth at which people are buried, there are almost no worms; such fears are often associated with bodies not found for days or weeks. You can also acknowledge that the concern about claustrophobia may reflect an intuitive awareness that the soul lives on and is aware of how the body is treated. Jewish tradition teaches that returning the body to the earth—its natural source—brings comfort to the neshamah, whereas incineration in a crematorium is an intense and violent process for the body.
In our experience, when the conversation is with a parent or grandparent or an older friend—simply sharing that choosing Jewish burial would be a gift to you can be the most powerful message of all. Not a financial inheritance, but the gift of allowing you to care for them with gentleness, dignity and grace.
And finally, as with any meaningful endeavor, daven that Hashem give you the right words to touch the pintele Yid within every Jew. Starting these conversations may feel awkward at first and may take several attempts, but the effort is worthwhile. Helping another Jew choose and receive kevurah is an act of chesed shel emes and profound ahavas Yisrael—it is the opportunity to positively impact a loved one’s eternity.
Yael Davidowitz gave up her career as a nurse practitioner to inspire Jews of all backgrounds to choose a Jewish burial.
In This Section
The Last Kindness: A Conversation with Yael Davidowitz by Merri Ukraincik
How to Speak to a Loved One About Cremation by Yael Davidowitz